So, after like 8 months of dumbphone only, I've given up.
It wasn't one majorly annoying thing, but just a non-stop death by a thousand cuts. Modern life really requires at least possession of one of these stupid little rectangles, and if you don't have one, you get slowly nibbled to death by the ducks of modernity.
So, rather than redouble my efforts to bend the world to dealing with me wanting to be a bit of a luddite weirdo, I've given up and just..... bought an iPhone SE and paired it with an Apple Watch 8 I already had.
See, the thing I really didn't consider is that I pretty much already had the ideal dumbphone: this AW8 is a cellular version.
It does phone calls, text messages, and has sufficient ties to modern services (music, podcasts, audiobooks, maps, etc.) that it is, by itself, a 60% solution. And just for perfect clarity: there's a lot of things wrong with the watch that make it not an ideal device, with the biggest one being really not fantastic battery life.
For everything the watch doesn't do, I also have the phone, but the phone isn't strictly required, and I can simply leave it at home when I don't want to deal with all the modern smartness and just rely on the watch.
For sure, it's not a cheap solution since an iPhone and a cellular watch is a giant investment even if you go for the "cheapest" versions, and I'm paying for two cellular plans (though, with US Mobile it's $96/year for each so, relatively speaking, still pretty cheap).
All of our bills are paid online, our kids' teachers communicate with us through apps, the school has its own app for communicating events and closures
Even just ordering fast food is done through apps. It's still an option to order in person, but won't be able to get special deals or earn points without their app.
My TV even works best with an app instead of just a regular remote
It's never lost on me when there is an annoyingly loud commercial but I can't mute the TV because the app is updating and restarting
Never thought I would one day be telling people to "hold on my remote control is updating and restarting"