I'm not ok
I'm not ok
I tried writing a post explaining why, but it's just too much, and too many personal details and having to explain things going years back, it's just to much.
Very very long story short I'm disabled, about to get evicted, and can't find a suitable place to live and not mentally strong enough to live somewhere unsuitable again becuse it almost killed me the last times I had to. But ike I say, there is a lot more to it that makes it too big a mess to explain.
And I only have a couple of people supporting me and they're not available and I'm spiralling in to the dark places where this is all heading, and I figured I'd shout in to the void and see if anyone answers back.
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So, I assume you have already looked in to a lot of local resources in your area for help?
Yanno, help for rent, utilities and even food? It's a huge gamble but you could even try reaching out to a catholic church for help. I recommend a catholic church over other denominations because they're a lot more resourceful and way less greedy/judgmental in my experience. I had to get help from a catholic church before. They bought me groceries... even had their own grocery store... I was shocked!
When I was homeless for 20+ years I really had to get creative and even think outside the box. It was of no risk to me because I realized that the "traditional" route to get help was terribly flawed and was much more of an obstacle than a temporary solution. I even received help from some little tiny Baptist church to get into a studio apartment but I probably called every church in my area and they were of no use so I ventured out to other areas. Making a phone call wouldn't hurt trying in my opinion as long as you're up for it.
I even used social media such as Facebook to find help for food and clothes and most of my help came from other states... even Canada.
It's a terrible shame that mostly everyone seems to not care but I found some big hearted people out there still and am thankful.
It's a hard life for sure and I understand your thoughts on the subject matter but ya keep fighting for your wellbeing and survival.
I know that you mentioned that faith isn't necessarily a trendy thing for you and we all have our reasons I suppose but maybe you should give it a try as ridiculous as it may seem. I'm not the average church-goer or bible thumper nor am I a great example and my faith may not be as strong as some others but I do know God listens and sometimes he'll put people in your path to help you and so on.
Asking for help shouldn't be embarrassing or admitting that you're weak... quite the opposite really if that's something you are able to understand.
I come from a broken home. My family didn't love me or care for me. I walked away at 17 and became homeless. I was terrified and severely hurt mentally. I was angry and I didn't like people at all. I no longer wanted to be apart of the human experience because it seemed pointless but I gave God a chance. It felt weird to try and reason with someone or some thing I heard about in church or from other people but it was something I needed to know was real because everything else seemed like a fabricated lie. But I found out that God was real though sometimes he seemed to not care much about my situation while other times he totally did and proved his love to me... not in a way that I tricked myself into setting up my own success but it was more of an experience in which really made me consider my creater even more thus giving way to a much stronger relationship even when things were tough.
I know it's not really fun to articulate and it seems silly to most... even to the ones connected to a church generally doesn't understand half of what they say they do but as for me, God helped me get through some of the worst times anyone could ever face alone.
Just thought I'd share that with you and I hope I haven't hurt you by sharing what I did...
You haven't hurt me at all! Thank you for sharing some of your experience, that sounds rough, but also somewhat familiar (I was kicked out at 19, and only just last night made the realisation that a secure home has never been something I could count on, which is a really crappy realisation to reach). It's also good to hear how your faith has helped you, we don't have to believe the same things for me to be able to appreciate that it provides you relief and comfort.
I also appreciate your suggestions, and yes, I have been looking all over for help, the thing is it isn't lack of money that is my issue, I get full disability benefits from the state, enough to maintain myself, I'm getting evicted because the house I rent is getting sold but I still haven't found anywhere suitable to go instead and if I don't leave by next week I will be forced out, so finding help is a bit more of an ask when it's a place to live I need, rather than food or money (and my disability makes that more complicated too because I can't just couch surf, and living in a hostel type place like I did the last times I was homeless was so traumatic, I don't know that I could handle it again). I'm also Jewish, so I'm not sure asking any church for help would do much haha. I have had tremendous help from the Jewish community in the past though, and if it was a money issue, they would have definitely helped like they have before.
I'm waiting to hear back from the person who's helping me on the legal front about what options I have left, and also from a couple of places to rent that would suit me that I saw today, but I'm wary of getting my hopes up for anything because so far I've ended up disappointed every time.
Also, you taking the time to chat with me here is a big help in itself, it might not be practical as such, but it is somewhat helping me stay focused on just today which is probably the best thing for me right now.
Well I certainly hope this whole thing works out for you. I'm very happy to learn that you may have potentially found somewhere to go. Please continue looking and especially if it's helping you a little.
I'm happy to be here for you. I take advantage of every opportunity to just be there for someone in need bc I remember mostly, not having anyone to help me get through some of the toughest times ever. I really care even though I don't know you. I can really appreciate your efforts to reach out like you have because many suffer in silence, and some have even left us here to wonder what it would be like for them today if they chose to stick around.
I've been through a lot and I truly understand the value of being weak, full of pain and suffering in a way that eventually leads you to fully know what living means. To the point you want to see other people "LIVE" too and I just want people to be alright. It matters to me... especially where I come from and everything God helped me through.
I'm really really hoping to get some good news about this place I applied for tomorrow, because the rest of the news I got today has been all bad and I'm running out of time fast before I get dragged out of here and thrown on the street. The only thing I can think is that I just can't go through all that again. I just can't. I won't.
Keep me updated if you don't mind. Looking forward for a good report my internet friend...
No good news yet. Not heard back from any of the places I've applied to but have applied for another.
There also seems to have been some fuck up on the court case front, so everything is being fast tracked, and I'm not even sure a defence was put in on my behalf by the people I trusted to take care of it, so I'm not quite sure what to do next (only real option is to hire a lawyer and try to fight it myself but I don't know that I have the spare time and resources for that, I need to focus on finding a place and moving out in time).
I did make a call to a housing charity to try and figure out how much time I actually had before a full blown eviction, which I thought might be as soon as next week, but it will be at least 2 weeks more, so the panic that started this whole thread was justified, but I do have a tiny bit longer than I thought I did, so I might still be able to claw my way out of this, but only just.
Well. It's still progress... I'm glad you're still trying to work it out for yourself. I think a lot of people would probably have given up by now. So on that front I hope you feel a little better.
For me, I had no choice but to keep cracking away at adversity no matter the result. It's not easy and mostly in my experience atleast was exhausting but nonetheless, things seemed to have worked out mostly. I'm still not anywhere close to have things in place in which I desire fully but it's a lot better than what it was before.
Hopefully you continue to find motivation and strength through all this. I'm inspired by your willingness to continue to be honest. I know it isn't easy.
I really appreciate the supportive words but I won't lie, it's a struggle every minute, but I don't want to end it all over this bullshit, but also I do know my limits and that if I'm pushed past a certain point, I just won't be able to fight anymore, and that in itself adds so much distress to an already distressing situation.
But as you say, it's almost like there is no choice but to fight, so you fight.
I just heard back about the house I applied for yesterday and I've been turned down which really sucks, and I don't want to jinx it, but the house I applied for today is a better fit, so I'm keeping everything crossed while trying not to get any hopes up in case it's another no.
Having this space to just let this all out without feeling like I'm burdening anyone has helped a lot too, so thank you for taking the time to hear me.
It's nice to have met you and thanks for allowing me the opportunity to be here for you!
So talking about not fighting anymore... a few years ago I was stuck on the streets in my home state. I lived in a dead pine forest on federal property for a little more than a year. I had a tent and a few other things I needed to go with it. In the middle of summer, I became ill so I decided that it might be better for me to be closer to people just incase something happened to me. I figured maybe someone would get me help if I needed it.
People didn't like seeing me around at all. I had constant police interaction multiple times a day and some of them were very rude! I kinda gave up because I never bothered anyone and I kept my distance from everyone as best I could. So yeah, I was constantly being harassed by shitty people. To the point I told the police that there's nothing I can do about it and if I'm so much of a problem then fix it. Told them that they could put me in jail or take me to a mental hospital but I'd eventually come back. One cop even tried to fight me but I stood up to him and his police buddy prevented a really bad accident from happening that night. I no longer gave a shit..
I took showers in the local grocery store while jamming out to gospel music. Started sleeping wherever at a shopping mall... kept telling the police that they can't continue to harass me just because some loser didn't want me around. People are horrible and especially when they are better off than you... they think it's alright to try and hurt you because you're nothing to them or society.
But guess what? The police chief came to talk to me. He brought his wife with him and also a couple deputies. They put me up in a motel and gave me a little bit of money. They also found me a place to stay for a while... was some Mexican dude with a Mexican restaurant. Was really cool they helped me and I was thankful but life happened and I decided it was time to move on and still to this day, nobody knew why I left but I couldn't work, I was too weak from not having enough food or proper shelter and still was very sick. It wasn't worth explaining the issue with anyone so I ghosted everyone.
It's always been like this for me. I just sorta go where the wind blows yanno. I never know if I'm gonna be alright but it's whatever and today is no different. Our lives are precious but we're disposable to those who do all kinds of evil. It is what it is... my motto is, when I die... bury me upside down so everyone can kiss my ass goodbye lol
That was a tough read, and I'm sorry you had to go through all of that, those kinds of experiences never really leave you and shape how you see humanity, don't they.. It sounds like you're in a better situation now though, I hope that's the case. I've had bad interactions with cops myself, it can be terrifying, but also you know that if they wanted to they could end you, and you're so low (because you're already having a mental health crisis, and the cops should never be there to deal with that to begin with) that you actually wouldn't care.
But you did get me to chuckle at the end there, though I will admit I was expecting it to be a place to park their bikes lol.
On a more serious note though, this
Our lives are precious but we’re disposable to those who do all kinds of evil.
really sums it up perfectly - there is only so much we can do when there are people out there with the will and power to harm us, the best we can do is try to go on despite that and do our best possible to avoid them.
So far I'm still dodging my evil landlord and the courts that seem to be siding with him, but no new developments, so still no solution as it stands. But I keep taking one day at a time, and trying not to sink in to despair quite just yet.