“According to flat-Earth conspiracy theorists, this astronomical phenomenon — known as a total lunar eclipse — was actually a rare opportunity to catch a glimpse of a mysterious "shadow object" that orbits the sun and occasionally passes in front of the moon from our point of view here, on an allegedly pizza-shaped Earth.”
It’s not that I can’t workout how to make that work with some super massive object. It’s that it’s so ridiculous to do so that I won’t bother. All hail mysterious shadow object!