Not *Not* the Onion
- theonion.com Democratic Leaders Stand Real Still In Hopes No One Notices Them
WASHINGTON—With the elected officials trying their hardest not to move a muscle, reports confirmed Monday that top Democratic leaders in Congress were standing real still in hopes that the American people wouldn’t notice them. “Don’t make any sudden movements, or they’ll spot us,” Rep. Hakeem Jeffri...
- theonion.com Technically Woman Gentrifying Land Of Potawatomi People
CHICAGO—Vehemently refuting the suggestion she was contributing to the displacement of the neighborhood’s current residents, local woman Ellen Fuller told reporters Monday that technically she was gentrifying the land of the Potawatomi people. “You say this was a historically marginalized neighborho...
>CHICAGO—Vehemently refuting the suggestion she was contributing to the displacement of the neighborhood’s current residents, local woman Ellen Fuller told reporters Monday that technically she was gentrifying the land of the Potawatomi people. “You say this was a historically marginalized neighborhood, which is strange, because all I see is indigenous land,” said the 30-year-old asset manager, who rolled her eyes and clutched her coffee cup, reportedly exhausted from the effort of once again having to assume the role of educator. “Look, I’m not trying to be a know-it-all, but I’m driving up the rent on Potawatomi land. We’re all settlers, you know. Sorry, but it kind of seems like you’re the problem here.” At press time, reports confirmed Fuller had resolved to gentrify the neighborhood twice as hard.
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NRA Accidentally Forgets To Rise Up Against Tyrannical Government
theshovel.com.au NRA Accidentally Forgets To Rise Up Against Tyrannical Government — The Shovel“This is the one we’ve been talking about! Damn it!”
