Jokes You Can Tell Your Mom

A woman went to the emergency room, where she was seen by a young new doctor. After about 3 minutes in the examination room, the doctor told her she was pregnant.

She burst out of the room and ran down the corridor screaming.

An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was; after listening to her story, he calmed her down and sat her in another room.

Then the doctor marched down the hallway to the first doctor's room.

"Whats wrong with you?" he demanded. This woman is 63 years old, she has two grown children and several grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?!!"

The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said:

"Does she still have the hiccups?

A cowboy walks into the bar, only to find it's empty.

Only the bartended, polishing a glass, is behind the bar.

"Where's everyone at?" Asks the cowpoke.

"At the hangin'." Bartender says.

"Hangin'?!" The cowboy asks. "Hadn't heard. Who are they stringing up?"

"The Brown Paper Kid."

"The Brown Paper Kid?"

"That's right. Wears brown paper pants, brown paper vest, even a brown paper hat." Bartender nods looking at the glass.

"Damn. Never heard of him. What's they get him for?" Asks the cowboy.

"Rustling."

>Originally posted to Reddit by jonnyprophet

Two Priests decided to go to Thailand on vacation.

They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as Priests.

For once, they’d enjoy a vacation as regular people.

As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.

The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their 'tourist' garb.

They were sitting on the beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a bikini came walking straight towards them.

They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.', nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by.

They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests?

So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits.

These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them!

Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.

After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them.

Again she nodded at each of them, said: 'Good morning, Father,' and 'Good morning, Father.' and started to walk away.

One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?' 'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?'

• "Father, it's me,' she replied, 'Sister Agatha!"

>Originally posted to Reddit by boa_constrictor

A Viking is out shopping when he comes across an old woman in a wheelchair crying.

"What's wrong?" asks the Viking.

"Well," the woman says, wiping her tears, "I have been living on my own for many months now, and my daughter and son-in-law have at last come to visit me. My daughter has brought me along on this shopping trip, but it's the first time I've really been out and about since losing the use of my legs. It's so disheartening."

"I'm very sorry to hear that," says the Viking. "But at least your family is here! That should help to dry your tears!"

"Yes," says the old woman, "but I really wanted to get something to surprise my daughter while she is in that shop trying on clothes, and with this accursed wheelchair I can't get around like I used to.

"I was hoping to find an extra special cake or pie to celebrate their visit," she sobs. "Oh, I can't even bake my classic egg and bacon tart anymore, and I know my family always looks forward to that!"

"You're in luck then. That place over there is the finest bakery in the country!" says the Viking.

"So I hear," says the woman, "but the first floor is just breads and such. The fancy sweets and pies are all up on the second floor, and I can't get up there with my chair."

The Viking thinks for a moment and says "Not a problem. I shall carry you!"

With that, he lifts her from her wheelchair, hoists her onto his back, and trudges into to the bakery. After carrying her up the stairs and all about the display cases, he helps her bring a selection of delicious treats to the counter. She even finds her family favorite!

The Viking then carries the woman and her purchases back to her waiting chair below.

"I can't thank you enough! I'm so much happier now!" replies the old woman. "Who are you, kind sir?"

But the Viking simply smiles and walks off without a reply.

As he turns the corner out of sight, the woman's daughter appears at the bakery entrance.

"There you are, Mom!" she exclaims with relief. "I was worried sick when you weren't where I left you. What have you been doing in there?"

"Oh!" replies the woman "I've been through the desserts on a Norse with no name. It felt good to get our quiche Lorraine!"

>Originally posted to Reddit by arothmanmusic

A lady lost her handbag..

It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, “Hmm, that’s funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 note in it. Now there are 20 $1 coins.”

The boy replied, “That’s right, lady. The last time I found a lady’s purse, she didn’t have any change for a reward.”

>Originally posted to Reddit by jflipside

The first Jewish President of the United States is elected

The night before the inauguration he calls his mother.

"Mom, I'd love for you to come visit for the inauguration and stay with me for a few days."

"Oh I don't know, airfare is so expensive these days."

"Mom, I'll fly you out on Air Force One!"

"Oh, but you know, cab fare is ridiculous."

"Mom, the Presidential motorcade will drive you here."

"But accommodations, especially during the inau---"

"MOM!! I'll put you in the Lincoln bedroom itself!!"

She reluctantly agrees, hangs up and starts talking to her friend.

"Who was that?"

"My son."

gasp "The doctor??"

No, the other one."

>Originally posted to Reddit by International_Bee653

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely, it’s not going to rain today?”

And she replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

That was when I realized I’d left my phone on Airplane mode.

>Originally posted to Reddit by yomommafool

My uncle was taking our picture at a dairy farm in Wisconsin when he was crushed by a giant wheel of cheese.

We tried to warn him.

>Originally posted to Reddit by President_Calhoun

The recent widow is on trial for beating her guitar-playing husband to death. Seeing she has no record, the judge asks "first offender?"

She says "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain. “Please doctor you’ve got to help me. I’ve been stung by a bee.”

"Don't worry;" says the doctor, "I'll put some cream on it."

"You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No, you don't understand!" answers the doctor, "I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! It happened in the garden in back of my house."

"No, no, no!" says the doctor getting frustrated, "I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting you."

"On my finger!" screamed the man in pain. "The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."

"Which one?" the doctor.

"How am I supposed to know? All bees look the same to me!"

>Originally posted to Reddit by FancyAlligator

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony.

One turns to the other and asks “Have you read Marx?”

The second replies “yes, it’s these wicker chairs!”

>Originally posted to Reddit by doitup69

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

>Originally posted to Reddit by ExtraSure

During a visit to my doctors I asked him . . .

"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well" he said, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a tea cup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub"

"Oh, I understand" I said "Because a normal person would use the bucket as it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup"

"No" he said "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window or the door?"

>Originally posted to Reddit by RyanPBennett

A man asks a young grocer if he can purchase a half a head of lettuce. The boy says "hold on one second and I'll check with my manager."

The grocer walks to his office and says "So this cheapskate wants to know if he can buy a half a head of lettuce...." Not knowing the man had followed him and was standing right there. The grocer quickly embraces the man and says "... and this fine gentleman would like to buy the other half"! The manager agreed to the deal and and the man left.

Manager "You're quick on your feet there! I could use someone like you as a lead. Where are you from son?"

Grocer "I'm originally from Winnipeg. Nothing up there expect hookers and hockey players."

Manager "Excuse me. My wife is from Winnipeg!"

Grocer "No kidding, what team did she play for?"

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall.

He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job. The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?" "I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man. Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?" A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back." The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out. Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

>Originally posted to Reddit by muadeebpaul

I decided to stop calling the bathroom "John" and renamed it the "Jim".

I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

>Originally posted to Reddit by ryanegauthier

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense".

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck."

>Originally posted to Reddit by petedacook2

My daughter just walked into the living room and said

"Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop.

Please take all of my jewellery to the Salvation Army. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house.

Then disown me and never talk to me again.

And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother.”

Well, she didn't put it quite like that... she actually said...

“Dad, this is my new boyfriend, he supports Manchester United". [Or insert the team you love to hate instead]

>Originally posted to Reddit by Tintovic

How do you clean between your chickpeas?

Use your lentil floss.

>Originally posted to Reddit by MyActualNameIsCarl

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so…

I quickly followed her. As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus. So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!" She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too. As I walked to the back of the bus I breathlessly said, "You dropped your purse on the floor outside McDonald's." "Thank you so much" she said, "Where is it?" I said, "I've just told you, on the floor outside McDonald's."

>Originally posted to Reddit by Tintovic

A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar...

She says,

"Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"

The Russian replies,

"I work for the KGB."

"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"

"About me or about you?"

>Originally posted to Reddit by iRyaaanM

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old. And I started here fourteen years and three months ago."

>Originally posted to Reddit by GrubeMessel

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

>Originally posted to Reddit by Outrageous_Double862

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

>Originally posted to Reddit by PhilipWaterford

When I lost my rifle, the army charged me $85.

That's why in the navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

>Originally posted to Reddit by Alexharper051

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.

The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”

>Originally posted to Reddit by Butterflies_Books

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said “wow that’s an amazing car.”

My boss said: “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.”

>Originally posted to Reddit by joule2387

My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.

All i can do is a low ha.

>Originally posted to Reddit by KarmicComic12334

I’m currently in a love triangle

I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.

>Originally posted to Reddit by Iwasnotexpectingthat

I had a hen who could count her own eggs..

She was a mathmachicken.

>Originally posted to Reddit by dirtybird971

A frog got his DNA test back. He's part Scottish, part Irish and a tad Pole.

>Originally posted to Reddit by weaverl47

Operator: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: A guy just got hit by a car, i need an ambulance.

Operator: What’s your location?

Man: I’m on Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: Can you spell that out for me?

Man: (long awkward pause)

Operator: Sir? Are you there?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to Pine Street and call right back.

>Originally posted to Reddit by TheLegendHata

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there, so I asked, “Okay, who are you?” She responded...

“I'm his spokes person."

>Originally posted to Reddit by 808gecko808

A millionaire was riding in his SUV when he saw a lady eating grass in a pasture near the road. Perturbed, he stopped his car and got out to check on her. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked her.

“I am very poor and do not have any money, so I have to eat grass“ the lady replied.

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the millionaire said.

"But sir, I have a husband and six children with me. They are over there, across the street.”

"Bring them along!“ the millionaire responded.

They all squeezed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as that SUV. Halfway to his house, one of the kids turned to the millionaire and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The millionaire replied, “Happy to do it. Y'all will LOVE my place; the grass is nearly a foot high!"

>Originally posted to Reddit by kingeuphorix

my three favourite things are

eating my children and not using punctuation

>Originally posted to Reddit by Rolaid-Tommassi

I just finished writing my book on penguins. It was very difficult and tiresome but I managed to finish it.

I should have probably taken my the advice from the publisher, friends and family to write it on paper to make it easier.

>Originally posted to Reddit by willbeonekenobi

My son just asked me where poo comes from, I gave him a detailed explanation, where he then stood in stunned silence.

Then he asked, “What about Tigger?”

>Originally posted to Reddit by Puzzleheaded-Scar589

A Vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.

Before I could speak he tipped a bucket of dog poop over my carpet and said: "If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it, I'll personally eat what's left."

I replied: "I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning"

>Originally posted to Reddit by Van_De_Lisme

At the skydiving training course, the instructor would take time to answer some of the First Timer Questions.

One guy asked: If our chute doesn't open... and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have till we hit the ground? The instructor looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: The rest of your life.

>Originally posted to Reddit by gary6043

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles.

I took him to the vet. No word yet.

>Originally posted to Reddit by thehiddenone111