Men's Liberation: Resisting Patriarchy

So my brother just send me a post on insta on Mason Greenwood, saying our club should just sign him now. Like, mate have you not heard the audio of the guy literally r*ping his gf? Or do you just not care?

According to my mom he also sometimes goes on a rant against woke and LGBTQ+ people. I'm 100% convinced social media algorithms got him into Tate territory. My mom is an open minded person. My dad, while being a typical working class guy, is an open minded person. They would never say dumb shit like that. And I don't think I have to clarify how I think about the world.

My brother is a kind and good guy but I always felt he was easily influenced. I hate that losers like Tate can change him from what he is into a potential racist shithead.

She wanted to treat herself before the end of maternity leave, and asked if I wanted to join her. My feet have never been smoother. The ladies were very chill at the salon. My daughter loves my blue nails. That was about two weeks ago.

Most people where I'm at haven't said much of anything. I had a guy at the McDonald's drive through say "I like the color man." unprompted. On the practical side, I haven't had the compulsive urge to bite my nails since.

I'm 6'1, bald, bearded, dad bod, not exactly the through line for painted nails if I'm honest.

I'm sure if I was in a more conservative state it'd gather more of a reaction. Does end up in conversation here and there, but most people I know assume my daughter put me up to it. Frankly I had been thinking about it on and of for a bit. This was a good excuse to do it.

When I was growing up, I was the type of dude to grow my hair long out of spite. This is almost like that in some ways lol. I do wonder with each new interaction, if my nails will come up in conversation or not.

How insecure can you be? Everyone was ordering beers but I didn't feel like drinken, so I ordered tea. I guess my masculinity is in shambles right now.

Guys, drink whatever you want.

I've been in menslib since my left-ward shift. Thank goodness I'm not alone

In my cashier position, I met a lovely customer. She spoke beyond the corpo facade and engaged me as a human being, and I felt smitten with longing. Not necessarily romantic, not at all sexual. Just longing. For connection. Any kind. Please. I am beginning to know and love myself, let me share. We continued talking, it was a pleasure to see one another when she shopped. I asked for and received contact details.

I have been so in my head about achieving these ideas I'm so enamored with right now and growing as a person. Engaging women (and all others tbh) on equal ground as fully conscious, aware and sincere beings just as I am. Extrapolating my experience of possessing whole ass sentience onto others as an empathy exercise.

I had decided that I will be radically open and honest to the people I seek to form connections with, and I have been. It has been so interesting seeing how I interact with other people, so many other people (due to my job) and just getting to know myself.

So. Sososo. She's going to be out of town for a not insignificant amount of time. I like her a lot. We have a ton in common. She brought me wildflowers at work once. Of course, with how excited I am about le epic male feminist 💫 journey 💫 I'm on...

Well, we talked a bit. It felt reciprocal for a little while, but she didn't respond for a few days and I got a little in my head about it. I spammed her a bit (I was so excited to share!) and then sent a message after some reflection that I was gonna cool it on the spam, but that I was still thinking about her.

A few days go by without any exchange, I send her a text about how I miss my cats and I hope she's grateful for hers. She responds and we talk for a bit, then she mentions that she's interested in another guy but was afraid of hurting my feelings.

Okay.

I prepared for this.

I know how to relate.

I know that there are so many other interesting people who could make great partners for me.

I know what it's like to be liked and to not like back.

I genuinely want to be her friend if nothing else.

I send back the honest truth that of course I was a little disappointed and a little sad, but those were human reactions that I would allow to pass through me without struggle. That she did not hurt me, she did not do anything but exist. I hurt me, but it's only a scratch. I asked to see her crush, she sent pics, I said he was cute (he is).

Then I receive a message from her saying she's frustrated with me because I continued to pursue her romantically (or act flirtatiously etc.) when she indicated that she wasn't interested.

I got a little defensive. Woah, okay. I know when no means no, and it's always. She had mentioned prior her uncertainty regarding her capacity to even feel romantic intimacy, I figured that may have been what she was indicating.

I said "I can't read minds".

I had added up all the indicators of her potential romantic interest in me in my head and subtracted indicators of disinterest and had concluded erroneously that I was still in the positive. I understood now that it was expressed to me that there was no interest. I still want to be friends, and the hurt has already passed, because of those helpful things I know.

No, no. It was much worse.

She screenshotted a prior conversation we had had and sent it wherein she said

>I don't see you how you see me

a text that I had misread a day prior as

>I don't see how you see me

a text that I had interpreted as

>I don't see myself how you are seeing me right now (due to potential self-esteem issues)

Based on conversations we had had, it'd be a fair interpretation... if I had read the original fucking text correctly the first time.

>I don't see you how you see me

Fuck.

I am so sorry ohmygod I'm so fucking embarrased dude I literally u won't believe me b I fucking I misread omg

FUCK. God damn it.

I HAD PREPARED FOR THIS. I was ready to face rejection. I was not ready to face this, because I never wanted to be a part of anything like this! I do not continue to chase women after I become aware of their boundaries! I do take no for an answer, always! She told me I try to sell myself as a feminist while still partaking in the games of sexist men.

I most certainly did continue to act flirtatiously (calling her pretty, spamming, etc) after receiving and misreading that message.

Well. Part of the reason I wanted to connect with others was learning experiences. What did I learn? Read texts very, very carefully. Work on context clues and body language. Continue honing empathy and when somebody tells you something, listen rather than immediately jumping to defensiveness.

I apologized profusely and probably just made a bigger ass out of myself. I did explain myself and she said she knew I was really a nice guy, just that she was frustrated. She indicated that we could still be friends, I hope she meant it.

At least I know that I genuinely fucked up here without any conscious malice on my own part, and I am aware of the things I have to work on. I know and love myself, and I know I would not do such a thing consciously.

I wanted radical honesty and instead I completely missed what my conversational partner was telling me.

I am still quite lonely, although I am learning to appreciate myself as a roommate and friend. I am afraid to fuck up like this again. I hope this doesn't make me afraid to reach out to others. I guess if it does, I just have to work through the fear as I have been and bombard the patriarch inside me as I continue to.

Thank you for reading, comrades. Do you have any experience with unrequited feelings and not "getting the hint" (perhaps even as you are told directly... like some of us). Or perhaps someone did not get the hint about your feelings? Have you ever unconsciously broken a boundary?

Men,

We have all been conditioned by the patriarchy to be disconnected, angry, inclined toward violence, and display many other toxic and often counter-revolutionary behaviors.

How do you fight that? How have you been working to undo years of conditioning which tries to exert its force on use every second of every day, internally and externally?

I'll start by sharing some of the things I have been doing and what it does for me. I'll be posting in no particular order, just as things come to me. I'm not prioritizing one method over another. Also, a lot of this will look like solutions for mental health management, and that is because it mostly is. What is patriarchy other than the systemic manifestation of anger and violence? Anger is a secondary emotion which usually responds to some other primal emotion, such as fear. Patriarchy, in other words, is a disease of the mind made manifest as a self perpetuating system of inherited and passed along trauma and their associated responses.

Meditation. I've been getting back into meditation as I recall it helping me through a particularly depressive period previously. I personally find that grounding myself and allowing my compassion to expand gradually throughout the session helps me counter detachment and permits me to feel love to others.

I start by of course grounding myself in the now, simply feeling air, breathing, the weight of my body in my 'seat' (I sit on a meditation pillow which sits on a thin mat on the ground, cross legged). During this time I'll do a body scan to relax tense areas and become aware of my current mindset in order to acknowledge it. During this body scan, I allow myself to feel compassion and toward whatever part of myself I've directed my attention to. This allows me to accept my body as it is, giving thanks to it for working hard to keep me alive the best way it can.

I then start to move my attention and love outward, gradually expanding my sphere of self to include family and close friends: people I am intimate with and close to. Then further outward to include more distant friends, associates, etc., and afterward even further to strangers I've seen, strangers I've never met, then finally all of the Earth, all her life and the rocks and trees and streams and everything.

This practice has allowed me a better sense of love toward others and the self, permitting me to do so inside. It calms the mind and trains me to slow down, often giving me better control of myself when things get tense or I am triggered by something.

Journaling. This one is simple but effective. I usually write about things that bother me, and usually as I do so I can look at things from a top down view, almost as if it is happening to someone else. It allows me to recognize that something is indeed bothering me while giving me a moment to think about it and what I can do about it rationally. I can get in touch with my emotions outside of the cause/reaction cycles. Later, when I encounter the problem or its offspring again, I can often better respond, having prepared and considered rational solutions, even if that solution is: "Welp, nothing I can do about it now so I need to let it go. I'll survive and keep going so no reason to be angry or upset."

Reading about feminism/patriarchy, and mental health: Being aware of the issues caused by the patriarchy is crucial for me, especially books about things I can do personally (Bell Hooks has a few books about this). I'm not referring to the wage gap or things I have almost no individual control over, but rather things I can do in my daily life. This means things like allowing myself to be soft and gushy with my spouse and pets (I don't have children, but they'd be included if I did), shake off feelings of shame when I cry or not hold back (nature documentaries almost always do that for me), and even just realize where some of the roots of my feelings might exist. Reading these books is kind of like the intellectual half of trauma informed therapy for me. I would include that as well in my list of things I do... if I still could do that (trauma informed therapy I mean). I encourage trauma informed therapy if that is an option for you though. I've done a few sessions back when I had insurance and it did help.

Remember, my list is things I personally do, so it is just a few things and definitely not exhaustive.

What do you do men comrades? How do you beat the inner patriarch?

And for non-men comrades, I don't want to exclude you! Do you know of things which you've seen help the men in your life overcome their inner patriarch? What do you do to help men in your lives overcome their inner patriarch? When they choose love over patriarchy, how has this made things better for you personally? And for your community? What do you want to see in men when they choose love over patriarchy?

Hello, comrades!

I have created this community in no small part because I have been focusing hard on deconstructing negative behaviors and habits socialized into me from birth. I have been focusing on personal, professional and revolutionary growth.

Importantly, I've been reading bell hooks' The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity and Love. It's honestly brought me to tears more than a few times, and I'm only as of writing 60% of the way through it. I have not felt seen like this in what feels like a long time. Socialized and internalized patriarchal standards of living are actively destroying our potential as men to live, love, and achieve true self-actualization.

I highly recommend it to any man seeking to dismantle their internalized patriarchy. I also highly recommend it to feminist women and other non-men who innately fear us (rightly, much of the time), as hooks is intimately familiar with both the fear of males and male fear.

It is obvious that this manufactured fear cannot sustain life and love and it is up to all of us, regardless of gender or sex, to destroy the locus of this fear - as prof. hooks not-so-succinctly, yet aptly, puts it, imperialist white supremacist capitalist patriarchy.

I desired to create a space where I, other men, and all others interested can discuss our issues regarding patriarchal conditioning and potentially how we are working to overcome them. It can also serve as a space for women and those who do not identify with manhood to ask questions of men, and hopefully gain some insight, if they are so inclined.

What do you think?

I also ask graciously of you, comrades, that if, in my language revolving around gendered oppression, I fail to achieve a proper standard of trans and gender non-conforming inclusivity, you correct me. No offense will be taken, thank you.